I am not ready for Leda to turn one. This has gone by to fast! I want the past year back. I want Leda to be tiny again and I want her to snuggle into me at all hours of the day, not just when she is exhausted. I know I cannot control this. I knew she was going to get bigger, but cant I just enjoy this a little longer?
So much has changed in the last year. I do not even feel like the same person anymore and thankfully I think it has been a positive change. Life feels so full now. Leda has been an amazing source of inspiration for me and I know that without her I would still be sitting on the couch at all hours eating junk food and I would have never met all the amazing people that I have. I will give myself some credit of course. Leda did not physically get me to boot camp or yoga or pilates, so I am proud of myself to, but I am also eternally thankful for my daughter and the better person she is helping me become.
Leda has changed so much in one year!! Where did my tiny 6lbs, 1oz baby go? Thankfully she is still pretty tiny and I am also not very sad that she doesn't move around yet, but she has gone from this tiny lump that I used to carry around in the sleepy wrap, to a funny girl who tries to head bang me when I carry her in the ergo and thinks its hilarious.
Of course Andrew and I have cheered Leda and all her wonderful developments on and I would never try and hold her back for my own selfish little baby needs, but I somehow doubt I am ever going to stop wishing for my newborn back. This past year has been the best year of my life and I am happy about the hundreds of pictures and loads of videos I have taken, because it really is to easy to forget.
I love when Leda nestles into my shoulder and I can feel her breath on my cheek. I love that her breath still smells sweet and she almost always smells delicious, with the obvious stinky interruptions of course. I love watching Leda learn to feed herself and chew. I know eventually she will learn patience and will stop shoving every morsel in her mouth at once and we will eventually be able to stop cutting her food into the tiniest little pieces. I can see that she wants to move and I know it is going to happen any day now. I am grateful it has taken her this long, because I know it is going to be non stop once it happens. I love, love, love watching Leda in her jolly jumper and how crazy she gets. Leda now smiles when she sees videos or pictures of babies and when she thinks something is funny she will laugh and then look to me for approval to see if I think it is funny before she laughs again. I love Leda's wonderful personality :)
This week is going to be hard, but I need to think about the future and all the exciting and fun things it holds. I need to think about the day Leda is going to really give me a big hug and say mama and really mean me and how someday she is going to tell me she loves me too and I know all the sadness that sometimes comes with watching my baby get bigger is worth it.
I know this was a little melodramatic and she is only turning one, but I know you new mamas and not so new mamas will all understand :)
